i have 2 weeks left until i leave my work place.

but that does not stop the weirdo patients from attacking me with their words, you would think that that people would make my last 2 weeks as comfortable as possible, nope not gonna happen lol.


the other day this dude came in for a blood test he does not speak a word of English, and i do not speak a word of Farsi.


the guy is wheel chair bound, or so we thought, when it was his turn to see the nurse, i ushered him in, the nurses door closed and that should have been it.


after 5 minutes i hear shouting, the nurses door bangs open, the patient drags himself out (i say drag because he literally drags himself and the wheelchair with his right foot not using his hands) and blocks the reception entrance and starts shouting and pointing at me.


i asked the nurse what happened, and she said that he refused the blood test because he already had one 2 weeks ago, she tried explaining that his results came back abnormal so he needs further testing, but he refused to listen or accept anything and was intent on making my time at the surgery as miserable as possible.


he stayed for over 2 hours, repeatedly pointing at me and saying things in Farsi, and i swear bloogers i understood some of the words because i know some Urdu swear words from my time at high school and he was using those words at me, calling me b**** over and over again in Farsi, cheeky git, he was blocking my way so i couldn't go past him, i kept asking him for a telephone number of some one who understands English, he then throws his walking stick on the floor, throws his water bottle at me, and tries to get something out of his jeans pocket, but couldn't reach the bottom of his pocket so he unbelievably stands up and starts jumping (jumping!!!) up and down trying to reach to bottom of his pocket, he then pulls out a mobile, dials a number, sits back down again and gets through to some one and begins his ranting and raving all over again.


he passes the phone to me, i hear a man who speaks English, i asked him what the problem was with his friend, he said he said he wants to see the doctor not the nurse, i told him to tell him why he was asked to see the nurse and that his attitude is not acceptable.


i told the man that i will book his friend and appointment with the nurse and doctor for next week.


i passed the phone back to the dude, he listened for 2 seconds then began shouting, he switched the phone of, i gave him an appointment card, he threw it in my face and then began to shout 'you bad, you bad, you bad, you bad'


over and over again.


i was like 'mr, blah blah, im not going to accept this'


he was getting himself into a state that 'you bad was becoming 'youuuuuuuuuuuuu baaaaaaaaad' in a really high squeaky voice.


and i was finding it extremely amusing and i couldn't help smile which was making more annoyed, he actually left the surgery sounding like a ma3eeez shouting 'youuuuuu baaaaaaaaad' over and over again.


my 2 hour torment.

i handed in my resignation letter today.

feels really weird.
i wasn't working today but i came in specifically to hand it in, the manager was on his 2 hour lunch break so i left it on his key board addressed to him.

will find out tomorrow what the reaction will be.

ooooooooooooooh the excitement of it all.

quite frankly i cant be bothered with that place any more, and certain people their just are not worth getting stressed over and at the end of the day turning my back on them may just be the best thing for me.

will keep you updated......

ok so the dilema of the day on a daily basis is 'WHAT AM I GOING TO COOK TODAY?'

i actually wake up in the morning with feeling of dread as to what to cook, there is only so many times that i can cook imbakibkah, probably can get away with twice a week, but what about the 5 other days?

i ask mr white african about what to cook, and the dude just replies, 'anything, what ever you want' well that doesnt help.

i have a confession that i need to to take of my chest...

occasionly i will cheat and get pre-made meals and pretend that i made it

oh the shock!!!

i dont lie, i just dont answer, instead make convincing noises, for example

mr white african: this is nice

me: yeh it is isint it

mr white african: looks complicated

me: really?

mr white african: you poor thing, did it take you long to cook?

me: mmmmmh ummmm hmhmhm

(see the above could mean anything)

he understands it to mean yes, but thats not my fault, he chose to belive that i tired myslef out in the kitchen cooking complicated dishes, it would be evil of me to tell him other wise

hee hee hee

ever been in a situation where your mind just wanders of and your physical being works on its own.

confusing huh?

well the other day i had a visitor in the form of a Libyan lady, i dread these visits as i become all paranoid and my clumsy ratings hit the roof, seriously.

anyway she has a young baby girl who is teething at the moment, so the baby needs things to chew on, preferably not my curtains or pillows or at one point my toe!!!

the mother requests some dry bread to keep her sane and help with the chewing process and to rub against her gums, so i jump up with enthusiasm, go to the kitchen rummage around for a piece of the dry bread, she has 2 other children who think its a fun game to follow me around and be my shadow lol, so I'm entertaining them and decide to make them hyperactive by giving them a bar of chocolate each.

go back to the living room, walk up to the lady and offer her a big jar of coffee!!!!!!

my mind had not registered yet that i was holding a jar of coffee and offering it to the poor woman who i thought was being really weird and rude because she was staring at me and wouldn't take what i was offering her.

i kept saying tifadly (here you go) and she kept looking at my hand and then at my face with a puzzled expression on her face, i then thought maybe its not the right type of bread, so i started to apologise for only having pita bread and would that do or maybe a hard biscuit would be better.

to which she finally begins talking and says the breads fine but what has the coffee got to do with it.

people i seriously had not registered the fact that I'm standing holding a jar of coffee.

'kahwa'? - coffee,

'ama kahwa?' - which coffee?

to which she points at my hand

i look down and sure enough I'm holding a jar of coffee, my god you should have seen my reaction, all i kept saying was 'kahwa, kahwa, kahwa'

freak..

no wonder, her reaction was to laugh hysterically loud at me, and all i could do was apologise, run out the room and bring her a ton of dry bread.

my god, where did my mind go?

i woke up for fajr this morning as usual nothing new.

but i was granted a friend this morning in the presence of a spider.

see i had just finished reciting surah al-fatiha when i caught something moving from the corner of my eye, something coming down the curtain, crawling right towards me.

could i concentrate on my prayers after that, NO.. why?

because there was a HUGE spider crawling towards me...

walahi bloggers as a kid home spiders used to be tiny, you could hardly see them with your eyes, and they where harmless critters, the gypsy of the bug world, crawling through your home, never intending on staying, just passing through people.

now in the year 2008, spiders are genetically modified, British spiders that is, they are huge and freaky and you can see there beady eyes miles away looking at you, and they no longer are interested in camping a few days in your home, they are taking over and bringing there tribes.

why have they become soooooooooooooo huge? is it that just as the life style of humans have changed since the 2nd world war and humans have become bigger, so have spiders? flies are not enough for them any more, they are looking for bigger things, that's right, us!!!!

seriously i was so scared of doing sujud in case it jumped on my, so my eyes where working over time scanning the room whilst i was praying.

i never did see it appear after the first sighting, and when my husband woke up to pray, i didn't mention to him that there was a big ugly spider hiding some where, i was hoping it would pop out and jump on him ha ha ha.

it never did :(

is it just me or has any one else noticed that Libyan woman (might be the same with Libyan men) will point out every thing negative about you as soon as they see you rather than pointing out the positive. actually not just Libyans, Arabs per say (although Egyptians have a mighty sweet tongue on them).

say for instance you go to a gathering, say a wedding, people will come up to you and they have to give you the 'up and down look' you know the one, where she starts from your hair and scans you all the way down to your shoes then back up again.

these ladies would be perfect at working for airport security or maybe whilst shes scanning me with her eyes i could ask her whether shes detected any biological abnormalities in me, if your gonna be scanning me with your eyes lady then i might as well gain some sort of benefit by knowing whether i have long to live!!!

then its a case of 'you look so yellow', 'my god look at you, whats happened you've lost weight, your cheeks and eyes have gone in, you used to look so healthy before' or the opposite, 'my my you have put weight on, u had such a nice figure before' that extra weight on your toe will prevent you from getting married' (ok slight exaggeration).

or woman trying to constantly fix you some how, they cant help but reach out with their hands and change the hairstyle that took you 45 minutes to perfect, and every one is a qualified beautician, no matter how good you think your make up is some one is bound to say its not dark enough, or not enough per say...

blah blah blah blah blah blah

occasionally you will be shocked by a nice gesture from some one, but seriously why start with the negative. talk about 7ateming ma3naweeyatna.

sigh......

as you all know we have had some pretty funky good weather, which is amazing for manchester.

so libyans being libyans, they jumped at the oppertunity of having zardahs...

zardah season has come early.....

so i wanted to share some of the delights of eating bbq meat surrounded by trees :)))))

I've actually been meaning to blog but each time i want to i cant as i have no computer or Internet at my flat (yet, I'm working on it), and when i am around a computer I'm to busy to sit down :(

any way i got a text this morning from a friend who claims she is bored and that i need to blog! well ok then lol...

so here i am sat in an Internet cafe, typing away, aware of the fact that time is of the essence.

i know i know I'm supposed to blog about the holiday, wedding etc... i will, i need to be in a certain mood for that.

i started work yesterday, wooooopeeeedooo da day....

before that i actually was not sitting at home twiddling my fingers as some people have accused me of (you know who you are), instead i have been running errands for my husband!!! he went back to work straight after the honey moon and because I'm had taken more time of he thinks i should benefit from my time lol.

plus my family from Libya didn't get there visas in time for the wedding, instead they got it after the wedding so they decided they would come any way, so they entertained us for 3 weeks.

the reason they where not given a visa straight away is because of the darn bureaucracies,

'we need 3 months bank statements'

ok, so we faxed them over

to which then they changed there minds and said actually we need 6 months..

ok them so we sent over 50 pages via fax

after that they said ummmmm actually we need the originals not copies.

well Libya's fantastic postal system meant it was near to impossible for us to send it via post, so we had to wait until some one was returning to Libya from the UK so we could get them to hand over an envelope full of 6 months worth of bank statements.

by the time they agreed to give the visas, the wedding was over and i was flying to Egypt.

double bloody standards...

anyway i have been busy with the extended family, and it was great to see them, i had seen them all recently (2003) whereas my mother last saw her sister 24 years ago!!! long time.

anyway i will blog soon i promise...

its been a while fellow blogger, thank you so much for your kind words, duas and wishes.

time flies eh?

well its been 3 weeks since the wedding, i recently came back from Egypt, had a great time mashallah, will post the pic up soon.

back to normalcy that is life, not that I'm used to it yet, it takes time i guess, the weirdest thing was when i came back from honey moon, i kinda expected to be dropped of at my parents house lol, see that's what I'm used to, every time i come back from abroad i return to my parents house, this time it was different, and it felt weird.

anyway I'm not back at work yet so for the moment I'm doing the housey housey thing...

will blog later the arabic coffee is over flowing on the cooker...

on Saturday 29th of march (also leebeya's birthday, happy birthday sis) it was my henna.

i got to dress up, i got to dress up, i got to dress up wooo hooo.

i dressed up in a Libyan style dress called the 3abroog, i don't do gold, so silver it was all the way, Bedouin style :)

the day before on Friday, we spent all day preparing the hall, the theme was desert style, tents, etc... so the stage was prepared, and i thank Allah that i have amazing people in my life who dedicated their time to making sure it went smoothly.

although my family are all in Libya and its sad that they couldn't join in the celebration by being here, Allah has blessed me with an extended family here in Manchester of friends mashallah.

anyway i woke up sat morning, actually i hardly slept the night before, i just couldn't sleep... so 8ish i was up bright and early, went downstairs had breakfast, took my time drinking the morning coffee mmmmm.

then i watched die hard 4, I've been meaning to watch that film for some time, so yeh die hard 4 it was, i actually enjoyed it.

then it hit me that i needed to sort my self out as i had to be at the hall for 5:30, but i was calm and collected hamdullilah.

through out the day i would bicker with random different members of the family about every thing under the sun, seriously on topics that i don't even remember but what i do recall is that every one seemed to have there own opinion on matters and every one had their own defense lawyer to back up their arguments lol.

so eventually i get into the car, on a funny note i was still wearing my pjs, hey i needed to be comfortable as i was gonna be wrapped up bakalva style.

anyway i get to the hall and mama bless went straight to the kitchen and prepared the bukhoor, now every one knows how much i love the stuff....

and the place looked so cool, here are the before pic thanks to a great friend who took snaps of every thing..

the stage before with all sorts piled on to it

the props:
the tables where prepared:
the cake table:
and when the cakes came:

chocolate of course:
the food was a mixture of couscous, imbatin, borak, of course imsayr mmmmm:
as for me, it took a while to wrap me up in all my gear but i eventually got there though i wouldn't stop fidgeting, cant show the full pic as I'm not hijabified:
the henna arrives

tradition is to put a piece of gold on the palm of the hand and place the henna on top:

an ending with green tea mmmm
and that was it, it was a fun night hamdullilah, i didn't actually put any henna on that night, a few days later i decided i would henna, i love the stuff.

anyway my dearest bloggers, I'm sat here sat morning typing away, mindful of the fact that in a few hours time i will have to leave home,

i will up date you soo inshallah with how the wedding went.

remember me in your duas.

sallam.

for the past couple of days i have been moving my things from my room to my flat, and at first it was kinda exciting, fun etc..

yesterday i don't know what came over me, i guess it hit me that I'm leaving the house that i grew up in, and the tears would not stop, walahi at one point i was telling my eyes of

me: right stop it now, stop crying, why are you still over flowing with the tears business.

lets just say my fiance walked in to this scene and bless him did not know what to do lol.

i think he must have thought i had gone mad, i thought i was being quite seeing how i didn't want any one to hear me, but i got caught.

anyway once the tears started it wouldn't stop, and i felt so silly, every one was reassuring me that at least I'm living in the same city, that my flat is a 7 minute walk away from my parents house, blah blah blah.

i know all that but no matter what people are telling me i cant help feeling slightly down with the idea of leaving.

i want to be 6 again...

i have an announcement.

i have been very quite about this but i think its time I mention it.

ok so here goes....

I'm getting married in 2 weeks time.

yes I'm being serious.

in exactly 2 weeks time.

the count down has started.

it wasn't a last minute dot.com thing, its been going on since my trip to hajj i just have kept rather quite about it. its just the idea of getting married freaks me out some how and i have only just come round to the fact (though its all my decision and hamdullilah im happy), in my year of engagement i have banned people from saying the w word in my presence, the w word being wedding lol, so i knew that eventually the date of the wedding would approach but i didn't realise how fast, subhannalah time flies.

so yeh on the 3rd of April inshallah i will shed my past life and start a new one, not that I'm gonna change or anything, seriously new brides really peeve me off, like being married means having a stick, actually i wont finish that sentence... anyway they need to lighten up and that people who are not married does not make them inferior anyway the point is i realise that responsibility is attached with marriage life and etc etc but white african will hopefully remain the same in terms of her personality and sense of humour.

now the ranting will begin, i swear i am going to keep an online diary of all the craziness associated with preparing for a wedding.

I'm being told off left, right and centre from every one for not stressing

'inganik barda' (your so laid back)

'walahi ti7tagee shwayt 7arara, ta7rkee' (i swear you need to be more motivated, move it)

'timbalah' (lazy)

see its not that I'm lazy i just think why should i make myself stressed and all panicky, and so what if i haven't sorted out my hair and make up yet, or if my bouquet is not ready, or if or if or if or if, the list goes on.

everything will be ok inshallah.

anyway the journey has been rather interesting to say the least.

it had its ups it had its downs, moments of total confusion, moments of sheer 'my god what am i doing', moments of excitement, moments of exhilaration.

I've laughed, I've cried buckets in fact, I've ran around the room and i have sat down in the corners, its been simply crazy.

my mother bless her has sorted most of the things from like 8 months ago seriously, she is well organised, i on the other hand have a care free kind of less stressful look on things which seriously annoys my mother.

i love how we can have full blown arguments about the colour of confetti.

anyway i have come to the conclusion that when a girl gets married its not really her wedding, its her mothers wedding, so my turn will come when i marry my daughter of, see that's how things work...

and don't get me started with invitation list, see this is how the conversation starts:

mama: nasayt ni3zim fulana blah blah (i forgot to invite so and so)

me: mama please, i don't even get on with this woman

mama: la kayf, ma3gulah mani3zimhash? maho fee sanah, garn blah blah jitnee fil 7awsh it zoor feeyah, lazim ni3zimha (what, how can i not invite her, in the year so and so in the century blah blah she came to visit me, i have to invite her)

me: mama ok ilee itshufee (ok mum whatever you want)

mama: bahee, sa7batik mitakda tibee kilhum ijoo? (ok your friends, are you sure you want all of them to come)

me: mama of course, i would rather my friends than some of the people your inviting who cant seem to stop gossiping about every aspect of peoples lives, so yeh all my friends are coming.

mama: ok habibty i didn't mean anything I'm just considering the numbers, remember the place doesn't take more than 350 guests.

me: ok, so lets knock of a couple of your friends starting with blah blah blah

mama: la 3ayb, miskeena shin daritlik (no that's rude, what has she done to you)

me: mama that's not the point

mama: bil3aks it7ibik wajid oo deema tasal 3alyik (on the contrary she really likes you and shes always asking about you)

me: ok mama ok.

and that's how its goes day in day out.

and don't even get me started with the invitation cards, when i went to Bangladesh last year i decided i would get my wedding cards from over there as they are cheaper and they have more of a variety.

so that's what i did, but i didn't get them printed as i didn't know the wedding date and the venue and all that business, plus it needed to be printed in both English and Arabic so i brought them back empty inside.

it was such a hassle finding a printer that would do it for us, either they needed no less than 6,000 to print, imagine 6,000 invites lol, or they couldn't do it in Arabic, so the cards got ready last week Tuesday, slightly late, but like i told my mother better late than never, she just gave me a look as if to say 'don't open that mouth of yours'.

ok I've ranted denough for now, till the next entry.

the other day i ventured into town to do some shopping, i cant stand shopping when its busy, i remember as a child my mum used to complain that she gets a headache from shopping, i would look at her with shock and think 'my god, how is that even possible', now i am echoing my mothers words.

i just want to either have a remote like that stupid film 'click' and just put people on pause, so that i could have less of a hassle time shopping, one time i went shopping and i had the biggest urge to shout out in a really loud voice (which by the way i have the ability to scream really loud) 'GO HOME PEOPLE', but i stop myself, as the lady next to me is shouting out that Jesus is her saviour and that we are all doomed and no one is blinking an eye lid, so if i was to shout then guaranteed people will NOT look my way.

anyway the point is i had gone to shop, and by the time i had finished it was approaching rush hour, and i had something like 6-7 bags in my hand, i managed to find a seat on the bus, when my phone rang, it was my mother telling me off for not doing something i was supposed to have done (more on that on another blog entry) so after apologising and trying to explain, i told her i was coming home and i would speak to her later.

then my phone rang again, and i become lost in a conversation of listening and contributing, i barely noticed the fact that my bus stop was approaching, so i said to the lady next to me in a panicky voice 'i gotta get off'

she just carried on looking straight ahead !!!

me: excuse me i gotta get of'

no response, for crying out lady my stop is approaching.

me: um excuse me, lady, i seriously need to get off,

she then looks at me and says 'i thought you where on the phone'

which i was but who says 'excuse me lady i need to get of' to a friend on the phone???? she gave me a dirty look, stood up and muttered under her breath.

i was desperately pressing the stop button, the bus driver stopped, i started walking towards the exist, and typical me, fell flat on my face on the bus with so many eyes looking at me lol.

the funny thing was i was still having a conversation on the phone, and the person i was talking to was oblivious to the fact that i was lying down flat on my face on the bus.

by the time i stood up, collected the 10 million things that had fallen out of the many bags i was carrying, a few minutes had gone by, not a single person asked if i was ok or helped me :(

the bus driver was tapping his finger on the steering wheel clearly sending out messages of 'you are keeping me waiting' to me.

i swear people when i got of the bus, every single person on that bus was looking out the window at me, i had the urge to do something but good Muslim girls don't swear. instead i smiled and carried on talking on the phone.

now wasn't that an adventure.....

i wish i could play the darbuka.

my brother hamza can play 100 times better than me.

we have 4 darabeek (is that how you say darbuka jama3?) for all the good it can do, they just sit there staring at me, mocking me, pointing at me, knowing full well that i want to play as good as how the musicians on Arabic t.v play.

seriously have you ever watched them, there fingers move at the speed of lightening, its not human no matter what any one says, they are from a land in another galaxy called darbuka land and they are transported here to play in concerts, trust me that's how it works.

i have tried to play at the speed that they play and the result is a swollen hand and a noise that is enough to wake the dead.

i remember one time at a friends wedding, i was given the darbuka (why? as of yet know one knows) and i decided that i will try my luck, the result was my hand going through the darbuka, i had ripped it some how!!!!!! i swear it was some one playing an evil joke.

my face went so red i could have easily camouflaged myself against the red carpet, and all i could do was apologise and blame it on the fact that it was poor quality not that made any one forget, my god i seem to always commit some sort of trauma at weddings.

so yeh i want to play like a professional.

my mother is one of those drivers who is extremely confident with her driving but only if she knows where she is going.

on the other hand if she does not know her route then all hell will break loose, her confidence gets thrown out the window, and even if she kinda knows the route she will still get panicky and will hold onto the steering wheel as though she is hanging of a cliff and if she loosens her hold then she will fall :0).

lets just say that she has no trust in me what so ever :(

why?

well a couple of times i would be directing her, then i would find my self lost, but no way am i going to tell her that, so i would pretend that i know where i am going completely directing her to the end of the world and back until either i or she recognises a street or building.

she cottoned on to this and from then on does not trust me with directions as she feels that i have no awareness of direction, ooooooooh the hurt and the pain.

the other day i wanted to go to the Lowrey which is shopping complex in salford queys, my mum refuses to drive there as she does not know the route so usually my dad will drop us of and pick us up when where done, on this occasion my dad was busy, so i said to my mum:

me: mama shir rayik kanee jibitlik ill directions word for word (mum what would you say if i brought you the directions word for word?)

mama: min wayn 7atjeebee? (from where are you going to bring it?)

me: theres this website AA.com and they have a route planner, you type in the postcode of the where your journey is starting from and then you type in the post code of where it ends, it then prints of a step by step guide of how to get there.

mama: bahee shin dhaminee (how am i going to be reassured)

me: mama man seriously Ive tried it before, just have little trust in me, can you trust me?

mama: (extremely long pause, where she is looking at me and thinking) bahee. (ok)

me: wooooo hooooooo

mama: yister allah

so she picked me up from work, i had printed of every thing, and i was psyching myself up, telling myself 'don't get frustrated when she gets panicky'.

i get in the car, we set of, every thing is fine, we get to the first round about, i tell her to take the first exit, which she does, the area we are in is still recognisable in her eyes, we go past the sainsburys, all the time she is asking 'wayn tawa (where now), i am telling her 'dighree dighree (straight straight), then i knew that a round about was coming so i said to her:

me: mama ba3id ishwayah 7ay jee jazeerat dawaran 9after a while a roundabout is going to appear) i want you to take the first exit.

mama: bahee (ok)

after a while she says to me :

mama: waynhee il jazeera? (where is the round about)

me: its coming

mama: taking a look at me from the corner of her eye then saying 'imshee ya kadhabah, manik 3arfah wayn mashyah (you lier you have no idea where your going)

looooooooooooooooooooool

me: walahi mama i do, matkafeesh, kunee shuja3ah (i do know where am going, be brave)

so eventually the roundabout comes, i remind her to take the first exist

me: mama the first exist

mama: bahee wayn (ok where)

me: tab3ee isayrah albiydah (follow that white car)

mama: wayn (where)

me: there can you see its gone into the first exist

mama: ok

she then follows the car and every one lets out a sigh of relief.

after that the directions went smoothly, we found car park, she managed to park and i was waiting for my praise of how excellent a directing person i was.

it didn't come..

so i said :

me: shir rayak fill dirta, mashallah 3alayah, mish giltlik 3indee il gudreeyah, saga3..(what did you think of my skills, i told you i had it in me)

mama: bahee kawys mashallah, ghair inkhamam fil merwa7. (its good, im just worried about getting home)

talk about an anti-climax lol.

i can safely say that i managed to get home with out getting lost

a certain patient came in the other day to see the Practice Nurse, quite a friendly lady when things go the way she wants.

on this particular day she seemed in high spirits, smiling and what not.

she went in to see the Nurse, 10 minutes later she left and the nurse was in fits of laughter.

basically she had told the nurse that her 81st birthday was coming up, and that she was not getting any younger and so had decided to start writing her will as she could die at any stage, but her family think its ridiculous of her as shes got plenty of years left in her and shes ill fating herself by writing a will.

but regardless of what her family are saying she will be writing up a will as she feels there really isn't long to go.

she then went on to say that whatever the case, before she ups and leaves this world she will most definitely be having a one night stand!!!!!

WHAT?

my god, no comment....

I'm sat here at work and a chocolate cup cake is whispering things to me

'eat me, eat me, eat me'

I'm ignoring it.

well trying to at least, but the thing is its like a magnet, every time i walk past it emits certain rays that seem to be taking hold of my eyes.

but i am stubborn and i will not fall victim to its evilness, i will not... its a fighting battle but in the end goodness will prevail, and fruit will be the outcome, no high in fat, cream infested, high content sugar thing is going to affect me.

saying that though i did fall prey to a cookie mmmmmmm.

i think i can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

its a slow walk towards it but the light is constantly there :)

thanks dearest bloggers for your brilliant words of advise, its great just typing away how i feel and its even better reading your supportive words.

when people say that life is a journey, they really are not kidding. a journey on a roller coaster of emotions and its funny how fragile we can be at times and how amazingly strong we can be at other times. the mind is seriously a maze that anyone can get lost in, and it needs filtering now and then. trials and tribulations make us who we are, and a clever person will come out with lessons that have been learnt.

idinyah ma taswah....

it is near to impossible to please every one in your life, no matter how hard you try, some one is bound to feel that you have not tried hard enough and 9 out of 10 times they will let you know of their 'unhappiness' with you.

is there such a thing as unconditional support? obviously no but i would settle for 50%.

how about being sensitive to other peoples life pressures?

how about not complicating matters?

I'm being stretched from all directions and i can hear the sound of something about to rip.

can you stitch your own limbs back?

you really never think of yourself as emotional until life triggers your emotions to spill out and then your left with the feeling of revealing too much.

and all it can take is the soft spoken words that is 'are you ok?'

and you find the tears rolling down the cheeks, and god forbid if your wearing mascarra... (reminds me of magda rumi's song, al matar al aswad feeee 3ayneeeeeee).

and once you begin crying then the weeks, months of holding in the tears are to be released after the initial first tear drop.

tears are a gift because a 'good cry' really does make you feel better.

tears are words that the heart cant express - well in my case it is.

some one once said that they loved walking in the rain because then no one knows that shes crying.

one things for certain is that our eyes do need to be washed by our tears (not all the time) so that life can be seen alot clearer

ive never been one for crying infront of others including loved ones, i feel vunrable to be seen crying, like im some how exposing a weakness in me, so that if i ever do loose the control of holding in my tears, it usually because i have lost control of my emotions.

but the light at the end of the tunnel continues to shine.

and dua is seriously a powerful tool.