for the past couple of days i have been moving my things from my room to my flat, and at first it was kinda exciting, fun etc..

yesterday i don't know what came over me, i guess it hit me that I'm leaving the house that i grew up in, and the tears would not stop, walahi at one point i was telling my eyes of

me: right stop it now, stop crying, why are you still over flowing with the tears business.

lets just say my fiance walked in to this scene and bless him did not know what to do lol.

i think he must have thought i had gone mad, i thought i was being quite seeing how i didn't want any one to hear me, but i got caught.

anyway once the tears started it wouldn't stop, and i felt so silly, every one was reassuring me that at least I'm living in the same city, that my flat is a 7 minute walk away from my parents house, blah blah blah.

i know all that but no matter what people are telling me i cant help feeling slightly down with the idea of leaving.

i want to be 6 again...

i have an announcement.

i have been very quite about this but i think its time I mention it.

ok so here goes....

I'm getting married in 2 weeks time.

yes I'm being serious.

in exactly 2 weeks time.

the count down has started.

it wasn't a last minute dot.com thing, its been going on since my trip to hajj i just have kept rather quite about it. its just the idea of getting married freaks me out some how and i have only just come round to the fact (though its all my decision and hamdullilah im happy), in my year of engagement i have banned people from saying the w word in my presence, the w word being wedding lol, so i knew that eventually the date of the wedding would approach but i didn't realise how fast, subhannalah time flies.

so yeh on the 3rd of April inshallah i will shed my past life and start a new one, not that I'm gonna change or anything, seriously new brides really peeve me off, like being married means having a stick, actually i wont finish that sentence... anyway they need to lighten up and that people who are not married does not make them inferior anyway the point is i realise that responsibility is attached with marriage life and etc etc but white african will hopefully remain the same in terms of her personality and sense of humour.

now the ranting will begin, i swear i am going to keep an online diary of all the craziness associated with preparing for a wedding.

I'm being told off left, right and centre from every one for not stressing

'inganik barda' (your so laid back)

'walahi ti7tagee shwayt 7arara, ta7rkee' (i swear you need to be more motivated, move it)

'timbalah' (lazy)

see its not that I'm lazy i just think why should i make myself stressed and all panicky, and so what if i haven't sorted out my hair and make up yet, or if my bouquet is not ready, or if or if or if or if, the list goes on.

everything will be ok inshallah.

anyway the journey has been rather interesting to say the least.

it had its ups it had its downs, moments of total confusion, moments of sheer 'my god what am i doing', moments of excitement, moments of exhilaration.

I've laughed, I've cried buckets in fact, I've ran around the room and i have sat down in the corners, its been simply crazy.

my mother bless her has sorted most of the things from like 8 months ago seriously, she is well organised, i on the other hand have a care free kind of less stressful look on things which seriously annoys my mother.

i love how we can have full blown arguments about the colour of confetti.

anyway i have come to the conclusion that when a girl gets married its not really her wedding, its her mothers wedding, so my turn will come when i marry my daughter of, see that's how things work...

and don't get me started with invitation list, see this is how the conversation starts:

mama: nasayt ni3zim fulana blah blah (i forgot to invite so and so)

me: mama please, i don't even get on with this woman

mama: la kayf, ma3gulah mani3zimhash? maho fee sanah, garn blah blah jitnee fil 7awsh it zoor feeyah, lazim ni3zimha (what, how can i not invite her, in the year so and so in the century blah blah she came to visit me, i have to invite her)

me: mama ok ilee itshufee (ok mum whatever you want)

mama: bahee, sa7batik mitakda tibee kilhum ijoo? (ok your friends, are you sure you want all of them to come)

me: mama of course, i would rather my friends than some of the people your inviting who cant seem to stop gossiping about every aspect of peoples lives, so yeh all my friends are coming.

mama: ok habibty i didn't mean anything I'm just considering the numbers, remember the place doesn't take more than 350 guests.

me: ok, so lets knock of a couple of your friends starting with blah blah blah

mama: la 3ayb, miskeena shin daritlik (no that's rude, what has she done to you)

me: mama that's not the point

mama: bil3aks it7ibik wajid oo deema tasal 3alyik (on the contrary she really likes you and shes always asking about you)

me: ok mama ok.

and that's how its goes day in day out.

and don't even get me started with the invitation cards, when i went to Bangladesh last year i decided i would get my wedding cards from over there as they are cheaper and they have more of a variety.

so that's what i did, but i didn't get them printed as i didn't know the wedding date and the venue and all that business, plus it needed to be printed in both English and Arabic so i brought them back empty inside.

it was such a hassle finding a printer that would do it for us, either they needed no less than 6,000 to print, imagine 6,000 invites lol, or they couldn't do it in Arabic, so the cards got ready last week Tuesday, slightly late, but like i told my mother better late than never, she just gave me a look as if to say 'don't open that mouth of yours'.

ok I've ranted denough for now, till the next entry.

the other day i ventured into town to do some shopping, i cant stand shopping when its busy, i remember as a child my mum used to complain that she gets a headache from shopping, i would look at her with shock and think 'my god, how is that even possible', now i am echoing my mothers words.

i just want to either have a remote like that stupid film 'click' and just put people on pause, so that i could have less of a hassle time shopping, one time i went shopping and i had the biggest urge to shout out in a really loud voice (which by the way i have the ability to scream really loud) 'GO HOME PEOPLE', but i stop myself, as the lady next to me is shouting out that Jesus is her saviour and that we are all doomed and no one is blinking an eye lid, so if i was to shout then guaranteed people will NOT look my way.

anyway the point is i had gone to shop, and by the time i had finished it was approaching rush hour, and i had something like 6-7 bags in my hand, i managed to find a seat on the bus, when my phone rang, it was my mother telling me off for not doing something i was supposed to have done (more on that on another blog entry) so after apologising and trying to explain, i told her i was coming home and i would speak to her later.

then my phone rang again, and i become lost in a conversation of listening and contributing, i barely noticed the fact that my bus stop was approaching, so i said to the lady next to me in a panicky voice 'i gotta get off'

she just carried on looking straight ahead !!!

me: excuse me i gotta get of'

no response, for crying out lady my stop is approaching.

me: um excuse me, lady, i seriously need to get off,

she then looks at me and says 'i thought you where on the phone'

which i was but who says 'excuse me lady i need to get of' to a friend on the phone???? she gave me a dirty look, stood up and muttered under her breath.

i was desperately pressing the stop button, the bus driver stopped, i started walking towards the exist, and typical me, fell flat on my face on the bus with so many eyes looking at me lol.

the funny thing was i was still having a conversation on the phone, and the person i was talking to was oblivious to the fact that i was lying down flat on my face on the bus.

by the time i stood up, collected the 10 million things that had fallen out of the many bags i was carrying, a few minutes had gone by, not a single person asked if i was ok or helped me :(

the bus driver was tapping his finger on the steering wheel clearly sending out messages of 'you are keeping me waiting' to me.

i swear people when i got of the bus, every single person on that bus was looking out the window at me, i had the urge to do something but good Muslim girls don't swear. instead i smiled and carried on talking on the phone.

now wasn't that an adventure.....

i wish i could play the darbuka.

my brother hamza can play 100 times better than me.

we have 4 darabeek (is that how you say darbuka jama3?) for all the good it can do, they just sit there staring at me, mocking me, pointing at me, knowing full well that i want to play as good as how the musicians on Arabic t.v play.

seriously have you ever watched them, there fingers move at the speed of lightening, its not human no matter what any one says, they are from a land in another galaxy called darbuka land and they are transported here to play in concerts, trust me that's how it works.

i have tried to play at the speed that they play and the result is a swollen hand and a noise that is enough to wake the dead.

i remember one time at a friends wedding, i was given the darbuka (why? as of yet know one knows) and i decided that i will try my luck, the result was my hand going through the darbuka, i had ripped it some how!!!!!! i swear it was some one playing an evil joke.

my face went so red i could have easily camouflaged myself against the red carpet, and all i could do was apologise and blame it on the fact that it was poor quality not that made any one forget, my god i seem to always commit some sort of trauma at weddings.

so yeh i want to play like a professional.

my mother is one of those drivers who is extremely confident with her driving but only if she knows where she is going.

on the other hand if she does not know her route then all hell will break loose, her confidence gets thrown out the window, and even if she kinda knows the route she will still get panicky and will hold onto the steering wheel as though she is hanging of a cliff and if she loosens her hold then she will fall :0).

lets just say that she has no trust in me what so ever :(

why?

well a couple of times i would be directing her, then i would find my self lost, but no way am i going to tell her that, so i would pretend that i know where i am going completely directing her to the end of the world and back until either i or she recognises a street or building.

she cottoned on to this and from then on does not trust me with directions as she feels that i have no awareness of direction, ooooooooh the hurt and the pain.

the other day i wanted to go to the Lowrey which is shopping complex in salford queys, my mum refuses to drive there as she does not know the route so usually my dad will drop us of and pick us up when where done, on this occasion my dad was busy, so i said to my mum:

me: mama shir rayik kanee jibitlik ill directions word for word (mum what would you say if i brought you the directions word for word?)

mama: min wayn 7atjeebee? (from where are you going to bring it?)

me: theres this website AA.com and they have a route planner, you type in the postcode of the where your journey is starting from and then you type in the post code of where it ends, it then prints of a step by step guide of how to get there.

mama: bahee shin dhaminee (how am i going to be reassured)

me: mama man seriously Ive tried it before, just have little trust in me, can you trust me?

mama: (extremely long pause, where she is looking at me and thinking) bahee. (ok)

me: wooooo hooooooo

mama: yister allah

so she picked me up from work, i had printed of every thing, and i was psyching myself up, telling myself 'don't get frustrated when she gets panicky'.

i get in the car, we set of, every thing is fine, we get to the first round about, i tell her to take the first exit, which she does, the area we are in is still recognisable in her eyes, we go past the sainsburys, all the time she is asking 'wayn tawa (where now), i am telling her 'dighree dighree (straight straight), then i knew that a round about was coming so i said to her:

me: mama ba3id ishwayah 7ay jee jazeerat dawaran 9after a while a roundabout is going to appear) i want you to take the first exit.

mama: bahee (ok)

after a while she says to me :

mama: waynhee il jazeera? (where is the round about)

me: its coming

mama: taking a look at me from the corner of her eye then saying 'imshee ya kadhabah, manik 3arfah wayn mashyah (you lier you have no idea where your going)

looooooooooooooooooooool

me: walahi mama i do, matkafeesh, kunee shuja3ah (i do know where am going, be brave)

so eventually the roundabout comes, i remind her to take the first exist

me: mama the first exist

mama: bahee wayn (ok where)

me: tab3ee isayrah albiydah (follow that white car)

mama: wayn (where)

me: there can you see its gone into the first exist

mama: ok

she then follows the car and every one lets out a sigh of relief.

after that the directions went smoothly, we found car park, she managed to park and i was waiting for my praise of how excellent a directing person i was.

it didn't come..

so i said :

me: shir rayak fill dirta, mashallah 3alayah, mish giltlik 3indee il gudreeyah, saga3..(what did you think of my skills, i told you i had it in me)

mama: bahee kawys mashallah, ghair inkhamam fil merwa7. (its good, im just worried about getting home)

talk about an anti-climax lol.

i can safely say that i managed to get home with out getting lost

a certain patient came in the other day to see the Practice Nurse, quite a friendly lady when things go the way she wants.

on this particular day she seemed in high spirits, smiling and what not.

she went in to see the Nurse, 10 minutes later she left and the nurse was in fits of laughter.

basically she had told the nurse that her 81st birthday was coming up, and that she was not getting any younger and so had decided to start writing her will as she could die at any stage, but her family think its ridiculous of her as shes got plenty of years left in her and shes ill fating herself by writing a will.

but regardless of what her family are saying she will be writing up a will as she feels there really isn't long to go.

she then went on to say that whatever the case, before she ups and leaves this world she will most definitely be having a one night stand!!!!!

WHAT?

my god, no comment....

I'm sat here at work and a chocolate cup cake is whispering things to me

'eat me, eat me, eat me'

I'm ignoring it.

well trying to at least, but the thing is its like a magnet, every time i walk past it emits certain rays that seem to be taking hold of my eyes.

but i am stubborn and i will not fall victim to its evilness, i will not... its a fighting battle but in the end goodness will prevail, and fruit will be the outcome, no high in fat, cream infested, high content sugar thing is going to affect me.

saying that though i did fall prey to a cookie mmmmmmm.

i think i can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

its a slow walk towards it but the light is constantly there :)

thanks dearest bloggers for your brilliant words of advise, its great just typing away how i feel and its even better reading your supportive words.

when people say that life is a journey, they really are not kidding. a journey on a roller coaster of emotions and its funny how fragile we can be at times and how amazingly strong we can be at other times. the mind is seriously a maze that anyone can get lost in, and it needs filtering now and then. trials and tribulations make us who we are, and a clever person will come out with lessons that have been learnt.

idinyah ma taswah....